So lately, been wondering
Who will be there to take my place
When I’m gone you’ll need love
To light the shadows on your face

If a greater wave shall fall
And fall upon us all
Then between the sand and stone
Could you make it on your own?

If I could, then I would
I’ll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I’ll go wherever you will go

And maybe, I’ll find out
A way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you
Through the darkest of your days

If a great wave shall fall
And fall upon us all
Well then I hope there’s someone out there
Who can bring me back to you

If I could, then I would
I’ll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I’ll go wherever you will go

Run away with my heart
Run away with my hope
Run away with my love

I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart, in your mind
I’ll stay with you for all of time

If I could, then I would
I’ll go wherever you will go
Way, way up high or down low
I’ll go wherever you will go

If I could turn back time
I’ll go wherever you will go
If I could make you mine
I’ll go wherever you will go
I’ll go wherever you will go

Γι’αυτό αν υπάρχει κάτι εκεί έξω το οποίο μπορεί να αλλάξει ο μόνος τρόπος να επιτευχθεί είναι θρυμματίζοντας την σιωπή… κι όπως πάντα λέω Η προσπάθεια είναι που ΜΕΤΡΑΕΙ κι όχι το αποτέλεσμα.

Καλή χρονιά σε όλους!

Α ναι, μπορώ να ανεχθώ με μεγάλη ευχαρίστηση τις περιόδους μοναξιάς (καμία σχέση με τις περιόδους χειμερίας νάρκης) το κουνελάκι μου. Γιατί πάντα με ακούει ότι κι αν λέω, δεν φέρνει αντιρρήσεις κι επίσης με ένα κομματάκι καρότο είναι ξετρελαμένο και με λατρεύει.

Ας ελπίσουμε πως δεν είμαι απλά η μούχλα που κατηγορούν όλοι – και κυρίως η μαμά μου- γιατί αν και θα έπρεπε να θρηνώ για όσα φαινομενικά έχασα εγώ νιώθω μια ανακούφιση. Χαρούμενη για το νέο μου κατόρθωμα , τις στιγμές μοναξιάς και περισυλλογής.
Δεν ξέρω αν το έχει νιώσει κανείς ποτέ αυτό αλλά είναι σαν να σε έχουν κλεισμένο σε ένα δωμάτιο και ξαφνικά βγαίνεις έξω στην φύση και στον καθαρό αέρα. Η πρώτη σκέψη είναι να αρχίσεις να κάνεις ένα σωρό πράγματα που και πάλι θα σε δεσμεύσουν, η δεύτερη και νομίζω σοφότερη είναι πώς πρέπει να απολαύσω λίγο την στιγμή και να χορτάσω το τοπίο πριν ξεκινήσω για νέες περιπέτειες και προορισμούς.

Και πιστεύω πώς κι η πρώτη κατηγορία ανθρώπων είναι κι αυτή στην δεύτερη καταβάθως αλλά δεν το ξέρει ακόμη- αν και μπορείτε να μου προσάψετε γι’αυτό πώς όσα δεν φτάνει η αλεπού τα κάνει κρεμασταρια. Αλλά εγώ θα επιμείνω και θα πω πώς αυτός που δεν έχει αποδεχθεί και τις περιόδους μοναξιάς δεν έχει καταλάβει ακόμη πλήρως τον ευατό του.

Πολλές φορές με πιάνω να μου μιλάω και να κάνω σκέψεις ενώ ζωγραφίζω ή διαβάζω ένα βιβλίο. Σαν να σου λέει μια φωνή εεε είμαι κι εγώ εδώ μην με ξεχνάς και μην με παραμελείς. Γιατί αλοίμονο στο τέλος τέλος αυτό που μένει είμαστε εμείς. Αν δεν αγαπάς τον εαυτό σου πώς περιμένεις να σε αγαπήσουν άλλοι? Αν δεν κοιτάξεις εσύ τον εαυτό σου δεν θα τον κοιτάξει κανείς!!!

How the hell’d we wind up like this?
Why weren’t we able
To see the signs that we missed
Try and turn the tables?
I wish you’d unclench your fists
And unpack your suitcase
Lately there’s been too much of this
But don’t think it’s too late

Nothing’s wrong just as long as you know that someday I will

Someday, somehow
I’m gonna make it alright but not right now
I know you’re wondering when
(You’re the only one who knows that)
Someday, somehow
I’m gonna make it alright but not right now
I know you’re wondering when

Well, I’d hope that since we’re here anyway
We could end up saying
Things we always needed to say
So we could end up staying
Now the story’s played out like this
Just like a paperback novel
Let’s rewrite an ending that fits
Instead of a Hollywood horror

Nothing’s wrong just as long as you know that someday I will

Someday, somehow
I’m gonna make it alright but not right now
I know you’re wondering when
(You’re the only one who knows that)
Someday, somehow
I’m gonna make it alright but not right now
I know you’re wondering when
(You’re the only one who knows that)

How the hell’d we wind up like this?
Why weren’t we able
To see the signs that we missed
Try and turn the tables?
Now the story’s played out like this
Just like a paperback novel
Let’s rewrite an ending that fits
Instead of a Hollywood horror

Nothing’s wrong just as long as you know that someday I will

Someday, somehow
I’m gonna make it alright but not right now
I know you’re wondering when
(You’re the only one who knows that)
Someday, somehow
I’m gonna make it alright but not right now
I know you’re wondering when
(You’re the only one who knows that)

I know you’re wondering when
(You’re the only one who knows that)
I know you’re wondering when

I wish things could be different not consoling you like you are a child… I wish I could make your pain go away..
But I can’t so I’ll make sure I am here just to hold your hand through these years…

thinking that you own somebody’s heart and boom he dies.. yeah that’s how life is.. with or without him … he still lives in your heart, in your thoughts and in your dreams… ohhhh how could i spare the moment and just turn back the time…?
Just make thngs simpler, make the world simpler without pain or join… how could I ?

I have a pencil. A little one they did not find. I am a women. I hid it inside me. Perhaps I won’t be able to write again, so this is a long letter about my life. It is the only autobiography I have ever written and oh God I’m writing it on toilet paper.

I was born in Nottingham in 1957, and it rained a lot. I passed my eleven plus and went to girl’s Grammar. I wanted to be an actress.

I met my first girlfriend at school. Her name was Sara. She was fourteen and I was fifteen but we were both in Miss. Watson’s class. Her wrists. Her wrists were beautiful. I sat in biology class, staring at the picket rabbit foetus in its jar, listening while Mr. Hird said it was an adolescent phase that people outgrew. Sara did. I didn’t.

In 1976 I stopped pretending and took a girl called Christine home to meet my parents. A week later I enrolled at drama college. My mother said I broke her heart.

But it was my integrity that was important. Is that so selfish? It sells for so little, but it’s all we have left in this place. It is the very last inch of us. But within that inch we are free.

London. I was happy in London. In 1981 I played Dandini in Cinderella. My first rep work. The world was strange and rustling and busy, with invisible crowds behind the hot lights and all that breathless glamour. It was exciting and it was lonely. At nights I’d go to the Crew-Ins or one of the other clubs. But I was stand-offish and didn’t mix easily. I saw a lot of the scene, but I never felt comfortable there. So many of them just wanted to be gay. It was their life, their ambition. And I wanted more than that.

Work improved. I got small film roles, then bigger ones. In 1986 I starred in “The Salt Flats.” It pulled in the awards but not the crowds. I met Ruth while working on that. We loved each other. We lived together and on Valentine’s Day she sent me roses and oh God, we had so much. Those were the best three years of my life.

In 1988 there was the war, and after that there were no more roses. Not for anybody.

In 1992 they started rounding up the gays. They took Ruth while she was out looking for food. Why are they so frightened of us? They burned her with cigarette ends and made her give them my name. She signed a statement saying I’d seduced her. I didn’t blame her. God, I loved her. I didn’t blame her.

But she did. She killed herself in her cell. She couldn’t live with betraying me, with giving up that last inch. Oh Ruth. . . .

They came for me. They told me that all of my films would be burned. They shaved off my hair and held my head down a toilet bowl and told jokes about lesbians. They brought me here and gave me drugs. I can’t feel my tongue anymore. I can’t speak.

The other gay women here, Rita, died two weeks ago. I imagine I’ll die quite soon. It’s strange that my life should end in such a terrible place, but for three years I had roses and I apologized to nobody.

I shall die here. Every last inch of me shall perish. Except one.

An inch. It’s small and it’s fragile and it’s the only thing in the world worth having. We must never lose it, or sell it, or give it away. We must never let them take it from us.

I don’t know who you are. Or whether you’re a man or a woman. I may never see you or cry with you or get drunk with you. But I love you. I hope that you escape this place. I hope that the world turns and that things get better, and that one day people have roses again. I wish I could kiss you.

Valerie

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